Twas the night before Christmas in our Caribbean house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
Stockings were hung by the airco with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The rug rats were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of iPads danced in their heads.
And my partner in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Were drunk out of our brains and ready to nap.
When out on the beach there arose such a clatter,
I fell out my hammock to see what was the matter.
Away through the door I sprang like a flash,
To see if some numptie was stealing my stash.
The moon on the beach looked much like snow,
Gave the luster of mid-day and objects a glow.
When, what to my rum-sodden eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and a herd of reindeer.
With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be Old Nick.
More rapid than pelicans his coursers they came,
And he cussed and swore, and called them rude names!
"Now Flasher! now, Chancer! now, Wanker and Nixen!
On, Vomet! On, Stupid! On Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the palm tree! To the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As coconuts before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, take to the sky.
So up to the palm-top the coursers they flew,
With my stash, some rum, and Old Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each tiny hoof.
I backed through the door, and was turning around,
When in through the window Old Nick came with a bound.
He was dressed in his baggies, bare of head and of foot,
And he smoked a big spliff as thick as a book.
A large empty bag he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a dealer, just opening his pack.
His eyes how they watered! He mumbled some crap,
A nose like a rose that dripped like a tap!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a grin,
The beard of his chin was a shark’s evil fin.
He was grubby and plump, and as high as a kite,
And I laughed when I saw him, like well I might.
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had plenty to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And stole all our stuff, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
Gave a quick a nod and out the window he goes!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his gang gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"